Dwarf

After a little observance

I’ve noticed that I am 

just too tired of 

thinking about you to 

formulate delicate phrases, 

to piece together intricate 

words, to pour my heart into 

a pen and use the red ink 

to bear my soul. No.

 I am just too tired.

My eyes sting with

preemptive pain just 

waiting for the tears to get 

caught in my throat, and my 

hands shake too much to 

reach for the phone, 

so my dear, don’t expect me 

to call. I’m just too tired. 

 

Maybe you’d do me a favour 

and just let me sleep. 

First Fall Adventures

In recent months, my weekends have become very mundane and boring. Especially now with school starting, I spend most of the weekend working, because I can’t during the rest of the week. While I love my job, it’s hard to be stuck in the same unexciting routine sometimes. I’m used to seeing people and going places, not going to work, just to go home, just to go to work again.

So this weekend was a bit of a treat for me. On Thursday I had coffee with two of my lovely friends, and I worked all day Friday. My roommate and I watched Ramona and Beezus–the greatest movie to watch when you’re single and in a current state of bitterness towards romance. We had a great laugh.

On Saturday my other roommate and I headed to work (I recently got her a job at the cafe) first thing in the morning (and by “first thing” I mean 6am). I spent some time reading and relaxing before my shift started, and worked for 8 straight hours. We were extremely busy, but it was great for passing the time.

You see, I was eager to be off work because my friend Sarah and I were going to the Local Natives concert that night. After making a stop at the Eaton’s Center to buy a shirt that didn’t reek of espresso, I headed to Queen’s Quay for the show. I met Sarah and we ventured in to the show, and we happily discovered that it was a relatively small crowd. Small shows are the best shows.

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And oh my was this the best show. After forcing myself to listen to a severely mediocre opening band, the Local Natives came on and played for nearly two hours. Every song was perfect, their stage presence was awesome, and they involved the crowd a lot. They were almost better live than recorded–an amazing thing to find in a band. They played a great mix of their old songs and songs from their new album, which was great for me, since I hadn’t heard their new stuff yet. And let me just say that it was such a privilege to hear the album live first. I’ve seen Mumford, City and Colour, and Death Cab live as well, and the Local Natives were nearly better than those three shows combined.

Erica

If that was enough to make for an awesome weekend, my friend Erica and I took an trip downtown to Queen West to celebrate the first day of Fall. We went to Tealish, an amazing loose leaf tea shop, and had yummy tea lattes. We walked through Trinity Bellwoods Park, where they were having an art festival. We stopped at Murray’s Sandwich Emporium for some delicious food, and headed home with flowers and mini pumpkins in hand. The best way to spend the afternoon!

Tealish

And now I’m off to write a paper on metaphysics. And I’m quoting John Green in it. Because I’m awesome like that.

Today’s Take-Aways:

  • Listen to the Local Natives. Best songs: Mt. Washington, Shape Shifter, Sun Hands
  • Go to Queen West: it’s lovely and cultural and awesome.
  • Drink tea: it’s good for you and generally amazing.
  • Spend time with great friends: you’ll never regret doing so.

Currently Reading

So now that I’m living the life of a single, working student, it seems that all I do is read, work, and read more. I’m sure a lot of you can relate?

I was trying to take a mental inventory of the books I’ve been reading in the past couple months and realized that the list is quite long. So here’s a list of the books I’ve read/am still reading. Have you read any of them? What were your thoughts? Any others you recommend? Let me know!

Two Towers –JRR Tolkien
Passion & Purity –Elizabeth Eliot
Sense & Sensibility –Jane Austen
Radical –David Platt
The Screwtape Letters –CS Lewis
The Great Divorce –CS Lewis
Voyage of the Dawn Treader –CS Lewis
The Fault in Our Stars –John Green
Paper Towns –John Green
Mere Christianity –CS Lewis
Collected Works of TS Eliot –TS Eliot
Meditations –Rene Descartes
Metaphysics –Thomas Aquinas
The Gospel According to Rome –James McCarthy
Truth is Stranger Than it Used to Be
What Saint Paul Really Said –NT Wright

So, there it is! Give me your feedback!!

Spread Over Everything

At work today, I served a lovely German lady who had just come over for a vacation in Toronto. I told her that my Grandmother was from Lubeck in the North of Germany, and showed off my amazing ability to count to ten in German. My Gramma taught me a little German while I lived with her, and was always trying to get me to practice it more.

My Gramma was the sort of woman who would give anyone the shirt off her back if they needed it. She was a servant through and through–serving on the Ladies Auxiliary, with the Canadian Legion, etc. She used her amazing skills in the kitchen to bless others whenever she could. She would always make massive quantities of food and distribute it to her family whenever she was “just in the neighbourhood”. She never stopped giving, loving, and encouraging others.

My Gramma taught me what it means to be selfless. She put herself after everyone else, always thinking of the needs of others. She loved with a quiet love—never overbearing, never demanding, never overpowering. She used the word “love” sparingly, and when she said it you knew it meant something. I count it as one of my greatest blessings to have been loved by her. Her life was never an easy one, always riddled with trials and stress, but she had joy despite all of that. She truly was the best mother I could have asked for, and I’ll be lucky to become half of the woman she was.

Two years ago today, she passed away. I went into a numb hibernation that day, knowing that my entire life from there on in would be different. I couldn’t just call her when I was walking to school. I couldn’t go home on a weekend and watch Jeopardy with her. I would never eat dinner with her again. I would never hear her laugh at my ridiculousness. She would never ask me to water the flowers again. Mostly, I knew my greatest gift was gone, and I would have to live life without her. Nothing made sense. I took a big step back from God and everyone else I loved in order to keep myself protected. I felt her absence in every area of my life.

CS Lewis wrote a book on grief after losing his wife, and in which he wrote “Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.” And that’s how it felt. That’s how it still feels. Even though time has made it easier, as it always does, I feel that she’s not here. I notice her absence in the mundane and significant moments. When someone is that amazing, that lovely, that beautiful through and through, you can’t help but feel the massive loss. I think in some ways, I’ll always feel that.

But I’m also incredibly blessed to feel that desperately sad. I’ve loved someone very deeply. I’ve trusted and admired someone so much. I have been given an amazing earthly example of grace, patience, and humility. The ways in which my Gramma reflected Christ blows me away most times. And for her, I will always be thankful. I will mourn the ways in which I didn’t honour her better, or offer her my gratitude more, but I will rejoice in the fact that I had the time I did with her. She changed my life in her living and her death. Her rich life gave me reason to wake up, come out of  hiding, and embrace living again. For that, and so much more, I will always be sincerely thankful.

Never The Same Way Twice

You see, the temptation I (and I’m sure countless others) face is to recreate history. To take my experience and write it in some formulaic way, creating a system to follow or avoid. When I’m hurt by someone, I take the entire experience and tell myself to never repeat any of the same steps again. Likewise when something completely wonderful happens–I run around trying to relive and recreate that beauty, when in reality, it’s never the same again. 

I forget the source of my joy and my suffering so often, that I exhaust myself in my human efforts to get by. I sometimes think of “luck” or other such silliness, when I know full well everything happens under the watchful eye of my Creator. How often do we build insecurities around the events that take place in our lives, as if by doing so we’ll be protected the next time around? Rather, we become shut up inside ourselves, fearful of others and fearful of pain. 

And when it comes to joy, we are impatient for more without ever considering the greater joy that comes through trials. Sometimes the long way around brings us to the most beautiful place, and if we’d rushed there we would have never seen it. Suffering is counted as such a terror in our world, when the most amazing stories are the ones of those who rise from the ashes. We must be brought low to be lifted high. We must be patient, faithful in the small things, before the glory of the life we’re given is shown to us. And I find that once we’ve felt a little bit of what that’s like, we rush ahead, walking down the same roads, searching for what was once there. But God doesn’t work that way. He just doesn’t. 

A quote from CS Lewis triggered this little rant, and I think there’s a lot to glean from his wisdom. Don’t run ahead. Don’t put your hope in what may have worked before. Often, the best things in life happen to us when we’re not looking for them. Be faithful with what you have right in front of you, and leave the rest up to the One who knows your every thought. 

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Lion

My scales concealed what only 

Your eyes could see, and when 

you led me to the pool, I understood. 

It was Your roar that called to me, 

in my wandering, in my loneliness, 

when no amount of greed could satisfy, 

when no amount of selfishness could 

comfort. So rid me of the rough hide, 

the sin I have covered myself with, 

the darkness I embraced in weakness, 

the folly I sought when I was alone, 

and let me touch the water, 

bring me into Your holy city, 

guide me into Your kingdom, 

and call me back home.